My name is Victoria. I am 29 years old and I am a survivor. I was 19 when I met my abuser a guy called J B who was 13 years older than me. We were introduced on a night out by a mutual friend. A week later we went on our first date. I was so nervous as it was my first ever date. We went for a meal then he walked me home. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet so i suggested we walk a bit more and we ended up walking to the quarry, which was not far from my house. We saw a bench near the quarry and after having a few drinks, I suggested we sit down and kiss a little. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. After that we saw each other every weekend. At first we stayed in BnB’s in the town centre because I was living with my mum and stepdad at the time and he was living with his mum, stepdad and brother who was 15 at the time, he told me it was because he got into some money troubles and couldn’t afford to rent his place anymore. My parents were a bit strict and didn’t really like me to have boyfriends stay. We did this for the first month or so. Then i started staying at his house. At first he seemed lovely and an amazing guy. Things were really good for the first 3 months. Then he asked me to marry him. I said yes as i thought i was in love. I felt that things couldn’t get any better than this. About a week after we got engaged things started to change. He started to get annoyed if I went home after staying at his house. So I used to stay with him a lot throughout the relationship. Looking back now I feel grateful that his mum was OK with this, as sometimes I would be there for about a week. We were both working for the same company, but different stores. He would come meet me after work and we would then get the bus to his house. I would then stay there for the weekend or sometimes longer. The first time I noticed that things had changed was when i would want to go home for a few days and he would start getting annoyed about it. He would then constantly message me and ring me while i was home. I always felt I had to rush back. One night we went to our friends house with his brother and he let his brother drink. His brother got drunk and was sick in my friends home. I said that we would clean it and take him home. Me and J then got into an argument due to the state of his brother as he was only 15. J then lunged for me with his fist in the air and put it up to my face as a warning. Our friend saw it all. We get back to his and he and his brother decided to have a joint. As his brother smoked weed. I didn’t like J smoking weed and it made him moody and unpleasant. I said I was going to bed and he said no I need to wait for him. I said that I was tired. We then went to bed and I said we need to keep and eye on your brother. He was like he’ll be fine. I said that I would rather check on him, he then got moody and said fine. I should mention his parents used to stay away at the weekend so it was just us and his brother. He then came to bed and his brother followed him, we were sat talking and J asked me for a kiss. I said I didn’t want to because of how he had been. J then said if i didn’t kiss him he would rape me. So i gave him a kiss and said I was going to sleep. I then turned over to face the wall. This was the first night J raped me. After this things had pretty much the same pattern. He would say things like why can’t you look like her, referring to a size 8 women. I was only a size 12. If we were at my parents house i wouldn’t be allowed to talk and if i did i always got a warning look. There were times when i did want to have sex. But sometimes I would ask him to stop halfway through and it would remind me of the times i said no. but he would just carry on. After we had been together for about 6 months, we had another argument and by this point I was low. I said that I wanted to go home and this is what had caused the argument. He then shut the bedroom door and stood in front so i couldn’t leave, he told me that am not allowed to go home. I told him if he didn’t let me out i would scream, so he then opened the door. This gave me an opening to grab my things and leave his home. He then followed me as I started walking. I had enough by this point that I was willing to walk an hour to get home. He was shouting at me as he followed telling me to stop. That he wasn’t gonna let me go and that I better get back. I turned around and went back as i was scared of what would happen. As usual he raped me that night. A few days later we were in bed and it was a good day for us, we were messing around and actually having a laugh. I remember his brother came into the room just as we was about to have sex. That i was consenting to this time. He then made a conversation with his brother, at the same time as doing this, he forced himself into me anally. I have never experienced pain like it and had to make sure not to react. He then finished his conversation with his brother and his brother left the room. I then pulled away from him and told him not to touch me i then got dressed and said I needed to go home that night. About a month later he decided he wanted us to live together so we started looking at flats. They were all like shoe boxes and because he smoked and they were private rented we never got accepted. The rape was still happening on a regular basis and i was still to afraid to tell anyone. He always made out it was my fault or that I deserved it. I remember feeling and being sick a lot in the year we were together. I now know it was out of fear. I finally opened up a little to my sister when I was 20, me and J had been together for a year at this point. My sister had moved out the previous year with her now husband. They lived in a different city. One day she asked me if everything was ok and i said no and that J was verbally abusive to me and that i wanted to end it with him but was scared. She said she was coming over that weekend and that i should text J and tell him it’s over, and that she was gonna drive me to pick up my stuff. She did. I had to ask if she would go to his door as i was too scared. For weeks afterwards he would constantly text and ring saying he loved me, he was sorry. It won’t happen again, he will change and get help. I never went back. As far as i know to this day his mum doesn’t know what went on. I was unable to have another relationship for at least a year and then i was still in fear. That relationship was not great. About 3 years after I left J i started opening up to my mum and sister about what I went through. I remember on day about 3 years after we split up, I went to stay with my sister for the weekend, when my nephew was a baby. I remember being in the car and we were talking about J and she asked me if he ever made me do anything I didn’t want to, I just looked at her and said yes. Her knuckles went white on the steering wheel and i saw the pain in her eyes. I always kept it to myself as i wanted to project my family from the pain. It was after this i started to open up. Even now they don’t know the full extent. I then met N W nearly 6 years ago. And he really is the love of my life. I opened up to him about J and he has always supported me when I have flashbacks. I owe N W everything. About two years after me and N W got together we got engaged. J was somehow able to comment on my post on Facebook. So i decided to message him. I told him to leave me alone and he asked why we couldn’t be friends. So I told him because you was abusive and raped me, he said that it didn’t happen. So i told him that when someone says no to sex or during sex and you carry on it is rape. I’ve never spoken to him since. So i know this has been long. The reason for this is because I had a flashback tonight and it really knocked me for 6 as it hasn’t happened for nearly a year. I always feel so guilty when it happens as N W always blames himself for it. I know that it isn’t my fault either and it took me a long time to realise that. I just want every woman to know. You are strong enough to leave. You are worth it and you have the power to say no, to control what happens to your body. We are survivors we need to talk about this more. It easy enough for people to say move on, get over it already, but it isn’t. Yes i does get easier but it will always be there. We can beat the abuse. WE ARE STRONG!!!!
